Beware the Ides of MARCh ....(all about ARC)

Arc is very very bad. There is a reason we call people our ARCh enemies. Because there are so many people asking me everyday … "Bliss, you beautiful fashionista you, could you just tell me a little bit more about ARC?"…. I decided to tell. Ok we are going to get very technical here so please be upstanding and insert pocket protectors.

History of ARC (OR The Story of "A" - as I like to call it): Even in the beginning when no-one believed it existed .. It did … and owing to its evil evil nature it tried to hide behind spellings (ark)and pronunciations (arce) but I have a university degree in arcing and spent years in solitary study (hall - well technically I was in there to reflect upon my bad behaviour with all the other kids in detention but we couldn't talk so it was kinda like being alone) Early religious texts tell us there was light and there was dARK. DARK is not good. It is scary and allows for monsters to get under the bed. vArc was a dark ominous cloud looming over the world … just look at Noah and his Ark - probably the earliest recorded encounter of how arc can sneak up on you unawares. Arc causes rain … lots and lots of rain.

Then the angels started to sing and HARK all over the place and it is no wonder those that know have been warning us about the dangers of music and how it plays with our minds - even the angels were sucked in. ARC controls our minds and when played backwards has subliminal messages in it.

Arc spread forth on the land and became frozen and grew polar bears, ate people's fingers, toes and faces, and sheltered bad people who came to club seals. It forced cute little birds in little tuxedos to march endless miles just to get laid …. ARCtic and antARCtica. It tried to hide but Darwin found it - a strange land with big lizards and something about his relatives the monkeys and then a bunch of nuns and him fighting … ARChipelago. Arc causes strife and fighting.

We had various MonARChies - like one that created his own religion, had sex with a bunch of women and then had them killed. Today we call that "psychopathic serial killer." Today we have a MonARCh that is always stern, wears strange hats and has a son that wears a skirt. It then evolved into AnARChy and I would explain it but I am just confused …… Arc does that to you … makes you insane, disordered, and confused. (not necesssarily in that order)

Arc evolved over the years, creating willy nilly damage and taking prisoners along the way. Today we see it in many things:

Parallel PARKing - ever tried it - arc makes you drive over curbs and flunk tests.

StARChes - makes you get fat, but pulls you in cause it tastes good .. seductive little bastard … Arc is a dress that does make your ass look big.

ScARCe - almost fooled you right? Different pronunciation - same smarmy thing though - that is not having enough … cause Arc has a big warehouse - probably in the ARCtic with all our stuff in it .. that we deserve and don't have …. ARC does not share nicely.

BARK - may not be worse than a bite unless it is all night, all day , 7 days a week and in your neighbours house. Arc makes you buy poison and dial community numbers and report things.

SnARKy - this is when the bark becomes bite and someone takes your head off or says something so mean it makes you cry. Arc is a bully and abusive.

ShARKs - eat you with big teeth when you least expect it. They wreck your surfboards too and make reallly bad movies. Arc is a c-grade actor.

TelemARKeting - random people phone your house and pretend they are your friend so they can lure you into seductive conversations about rates and holidays you just won … a trip to the ARCtic for you and your loved ones, for just 300,000.00, you pay the airfare and your drinks are free.(one way only) You get a free tour of the seal clubbing and a souvenir club to take home. Now if that caller was sitting in front of his computer somewhere in his underwear and calling you to ask such intimate questions we would call him a "pervert." Arc is perverted.

Then came SL and people started adorning themselves with ARC and going forth amongst the crowds and pouring jello everywhere. They ruined our hunts and hurt our eyes. Well folks I am tired of sitting in my little space in SL and randomly trying on clothes I can never show anyone because when I go out to play I have to either be a puff of smoke or look like Condom girl in some kind of body suit that you pull over your head, paint green and paint sparkles on so you feel "special." just to counteract the AardvARKs out there. She is out there dressed to the nines sparkling and poofing and emoting and dancing with chickens hanging off her butt … how is that fair? I paid for all these beautiful clothes and now I have to look like Condom girl???? That's like going to an ice-cream store and ordering lowfat, non-dairy, sugarless, artificially flavoured vanilla with liver. What's the point? It's all a bunch of malARKy to me.

What can we do?

Encourage the thieves to be environmentally conscious in their work .. If they would just agree to only copy and duplicate only those items with low arc .. we would be a long way in our fight against the dreaded stuff/thing . …. whatever …

Have a "low-arc-looks like a condom pulled over my head - suit burning" in your neighbourhood. Organize a protest, invite all the SL important people (they are the ones with the signs over their heads saying how important they are, or they say "busy" or "don't IM me.") and burn the suits. Be free …. wear your nice things.

And finally, the most important step, start a blog naming the Arc violators … target their homes with protests and demonstrations. Write nasty messages on bathroom walls about them. Gather mobs to bash them up when you see them. This is serious folks. Don't worry about sufficient facts to back up your accusations - SL has a long track record of acceptable behaviour on this - just name whoever - ex partners you hate, competition, that bitch that stole your boyfriend .. Name them all … might as well do a through house cleaning … and we will all feel sooooo much better.

End of reel (please remove pocket protectors, be down-sitting, and resume your normal activities ….)

Craft Time with the Blisster - Fruity Tuity ... this cake's a Beauty!!

I know I know … you thought I had forgot about craft time what with all the blogging … and you were worried that you would not be able to have those special Christmas goodies that have become such a big part of your Holiday time traditions ... you know where you sniff glue fumes and drink a whole lot?? Well this fruitcake is quick easy and cheap - all things you consider when thinking of presents for those special loved ones.

You will need:

Bits and pieces of brightly coloured things resembling "candied fruit" like old earrings, marbles. Broken glass, bright bits of rubber, fridge magnets etc.
Brown sawdust
Dirt
Glue
Weights
Tinfoil
Rum
Bright Ribbon
Glue Gun
Work Gloves
Liquid Glue
Fruit cake tins
Grease

This is probably one of the best fruit cakes you will ever craft … trust me you have to read all the way to the end to fully appreciate this one.

There was a time when you had fruitcake as your wedding cake and then you wrapped the top layer and put it away for 25 years (cause no-one at the wedding would eat this stuff ) and if the marriage and grandma (or whoever made the cake) survived that long you took it out and ate some. No wonder people were getting divorced before their 25th year with THAT looming over their head. AND while I am at it … taking that cake home to sleep on so you would know who ever you dreamt about was who you were going to marry????? LIARS LIARS PANTS ON FIRES!!!! Davy Jones NEVER even came by the Canadian Prairies …. And besides if you happen to forget about the cake being under your pillow (cause um … contrary to popular opinion I do NOT conduct a food search each morning through my bed…) then the cockroaches just come and take it anyway …. And who wants to marry one of them? Oh wait a minute …. I think one of my friends did …

OK so 'tis the season….fruitcake ….

Put the gloves on your hands.

Mix together all the sawdust and glue in a large bowl and add dirt until the mixture resembles dark fruitcake. Add in the bits and pieces of glass, jewellery, marbles, rubber and mix thoroughly. Do not just use magazine pictures of glossy fruit as they end up looking like slime in this mixture and there are no fruit cake recipes with slime in them despite how bad you ever thought your grandmother's fruitcake recipe to be. Mix this all in and then take a fruitcake pan, grease it well, I like to use tractor grease just because there is always a huge ass bucket of it in the garage readily available - slather it all around, pour in the mixture. Take the weights and bury deep into the "dough" so that nothing is showing above the surface. (everyone knows a "good" fruitcake is measured by how much it weighs ... you want to be sure you need a forklift to get this puppy home Christmas evening .. makes everyone feel very special and very loved ... just a little formula to remember with fruit cake ..."more weight = more love ...") Make sure you saved a few bits and pieces of your "fruit" and aesthetically arrange on top. (CAUTION: no matter how tempting it may be .. Do not lick your fingers or eat this "dough." Forget about getting worms like grandma threatened … YOU WILL DIE!!! … and then technically … I guess you will get worms … or they get you ….)

Put these somewhere to "dry." (CAUTION: Do NOT try to bake these … the tractor grease will catch fire and there will be black smoke everywhere. The firemen DO have a restraining order against you by now and even if they do come to put the fire out … they will not fall for that …."help I've fallen down again and I need mouth to mouth." After that last time where you slipped them the tongue … well .. you know ,…)

Take your gloves off. Smooth your dress and your hair and pick the sawdust out of your teeth. Drink the rum. Wait. Drink more rum. Wait. Drink ALL the rum.

Once the fruitcake is dry. Wrap in tinfoil. (I like to hot glue gun the tin foil in place just because it is funny to see people try and get the tinfoil off when they can't.) Place a ribbon around it and voila … Christmas gifts for all the "beloved" family that show up to sponge off you at Christmas time and then expect presents to boot!! Give them to your hubby, your kids, your friends, your enemies … this is an equal opportunity fruiting that covers all contingencies. Don't worry …. no-one ever eats the cake anyways and even if they try … they will never be able to tell the difference ….

Birthdays and Beer (Memoirs of Childhood)

Someone reminded me the other day how birthdays used to be about going out and getting drunk and hoping you could get laid … but then he was a guy … you know sometimes when men share it just isn't the same as when women do …. I won't mention any names .. to protect the ...um .. to protect those in most need of protecting but a small hint would be his name rhymes with "Gluegum" but starts with a "B."

My birthdays were never about that. Probably because everywhere I went growing up, the "Biffster" was there too. He was 13 months older than me which was a mistake because I was always having to take care of him. I was older and wiser in all the important ways .... he was just bigger and uglier. OH ....except in the driving part - he got his license first and had to drive me around which was a natural thing when you think about it as he had been driving me since we were kids … to distraction … seldom back …(unless I chipped in for gas ...)

Unfortunately growing up in the "little big house" in the middle of the prairies we were not only in the same school, we were in the same room - yup he was a grade ahead of me until they skipped me up in grade one … but I don't think it had anything to do with being smart - they just needed a handler for the Biffster. It was either that or just an excuse the teacher used after that time when they had to call in the paramedics and medicate her and she had some "special leave" that had something to do with me and the finger painting incident. (shrugs ... Teachers .. they don't make them like they used to .. not as durable ....)

The only thing the Biffster had going for him, poor guy, was his sports and all the other guys that hung out with him .... which was a constant set of new meat for my audience of contestants for "ya wanna play with Blissy?" Biff would invite someone home from school for the night (ya back in the day when we were still pretending it was safe to do those kind of things and that "Uncle Martin" might behave that night) and his friend and I would ditch the Biffster as soon as we could and go hunt frogs or ride the horses down to the back pasture. Yup hold onto your gum boots folks …. that is just part of the virtual cornucopia of scintillating activites for teens to do at the farm. If we got really carried away we went for a ride in the ditches along the road AROUND the back pasture …."cruising" farm style. All over the countryside late at night you would hear the sound of kids out there up to no good, horses hoofs "squealing" in the gravel as we "dragged" each other up and down the "Old Anderson tree road," for the title of the fastest, hottest .. um .. horsie ... Horses with 5 or 6 guys piled on would pull up alongside horses with a couple of hot chicks on it and hang their arms down the saddle and "chat them up" waiting for the skunks to cross the road ….

Going for a "ride" was a metaphor for "we are going to ride down to a place that is big and empty, with no-one in it for miles so we can be alone and get up to no good." We were desperate to get away and do that! Anything to move away from the place where we were .. which was .. um ... big and empty … with no-one in it for miles .... and we were already alone and up to no good …. But hey .. we were doing our best to emulate the pathways set before us by the masses of teens we saw on television … (queue "We are the World .....")

Biffster would always tell ….

And I would have to return his friend and go to my room to think about what I had done.

I never did. My own secret world of non-compliant revolution. I may have been in the room but I was definitely NOT thinking about what I had done .. haha stick that in your ear you authoritative grandparents you!!

I did try once to argue the "sharing" card - but that upped the game to "go to your room and think about what you have done until your grandfather JOINS you with his friend "Mr. Belt."" After that I just "vanted to be alone."

And think of ways to get back at the Biffster … like actually date his friend …. who was a dweeb and smelled like tractor fuel … but hey the bigger point that kept my focus was that the Biffster would cry and seeing a 15 year old cry was always bonus ….IF he was your "know it all" brother who always got you into trouble.

I also had to pimp him out all the time. If I was going to have fun at a party and be free to do as I wanted … had to find someone to occupy the bloodhounds time so that I would have equal black mailable material to "negotiate" with Sunday morning. Ahhhh family traditions (looking off into the distance .. eyes misting up ....)....this was where we would lay our "cards" down at the "before we go to church" meeting which was usually held in the car on the way to the church .. through the endless waving fields of lost souls that we liked to call "wheat." The Biffster loved torture - you dump it on the way there so that everyone has to sit and smile and stew for the whole service and then you sit back and watch the "barely contained fireworks" explode on the way home …..

So I wrote his name all over the bathroom walls and slipped small donations of cash to unsuspecting girls. Well it worked once, but I seldom had any repeat "volunteers" …. Evidently the Biffster was not a keeper.


So the point of this whole ramble is that it is my brithday Friday the 13th .. YEAH!!! AND to my male friend who was waxing poetic on some of his "finer" birthday memories … um .. No I will not be getting drunk and hoping I get laid … I did that last night … my hubby is such a babe ….

A Word on the Birds.

We love our birds … really … in fact when hubby goes out in the yard, they run around at his feet and follow him singing. He has to physically push them out of the way with his hands sometimes to get to what he is doing. I tell him if he would just put on a long blue dress he would be in a disney movie …it is either that OR he resembles a cow and they all have a secret longing to be cattle egrets…. not sure .. hmmm….

Birds are alot like us.

I have already told you about my Muslim Magpie that regularly prostrates himself on the ground in deep and profound communion with the bird Gods …. always in the same direction … I am pretty sure he is a terrorist ... he has shifty eyes ....

We also have the drug addicts - the ones that eat the berries from the tobacco tree - I swear their voices are getting raspier and they are looking rather yellow these days … they come out more and more … for just another little "fix." They are close rivals to the ADHD birds whose parents are to blame .. you know they let them eat all that sugar from the mulberry trees …. so they eat and go crazy flying all over willy nilly in circles around the other birds. But those birds in the tobacco tree ... I saw them picking up used berries out of the gutter ... and they hang around trying to bum berries off the other birds ... You know they should just go hang out with the cold turkeys and kick the habit ... eat a better diet - some granola ... and they will be fine ....

Then we have the gang called "the plovers" they hang out on street corners and wait for unsuspecting joggers to come by and then attack. I have seen them run along the ground, hiding, just to get behind someone so they can then fly up and over them, dive bombing them and slicing open their heads …. they need to get some meaningful work .. or some kind of art project might help ... but like most "gangs" they bring it all on themselves. If they could just move up in the world - like to the trees instead of laying their eggs on the ground - perhaps their outlook might improve.

The MoTab choir shows up several times a day by way of the Butcher Birds. It may sound like singing but I am pretty sure there is brainwashing in there. They are also into Cirque de Soleil and do all kind or ariel twists and turns if there happens to be bits of meat flying through the air anywhere near them … ian't that just like the gays??

Maggie - the other magpie knocks on the door to ask if I can come out and play oh and BTW could I bring some more of that tasty bread with me?? And then she plays gobbelty guts, stuffs as many pieces as she can in her beak and runs at break neck speed along the ground looking for somewhere to hide them for later on …. and hurries back for more. I think she is probably cheating the system too ... come on you can't be that sneaky and not be up to something ...

Then we have retardo the Kookaburra who has a purely physical relationship with a statue of intertwined lovers that hangs on my garden wall ….no matter how many times we have lectured him on interbreeding of the species … it matters not … the heart wants what the heart wants … He also has taken to knocking violently on our windows … I think he read to much into the chapter on persistance in the book "The friendly art of Persuasion." We haven't fed him or responded for over a year and a half … oh wait a minute .. He is probably a teenager … that would explain some of the insanity …. damn kids today ....

The crows think they are sneaky and can outsmart them but they don't control our lives ….we get into our swat team gear, shanghai in hand and head out sneaking through the grass. Who knew Macadamia nuts were such effective ammo? I don't mind so much but they have that smarmy taunting attitude in their voice when they talk about us in the other tree … and I don't like it …. some birds deserve all they get .. cause .. I just don't like them ...

The Ibis is obviously slow … you chase it away and the moment you think about turning back and going into the house it has turned and is strolling back .. It is either slow or they are somehow related to the goldfish in the memory department. Perhpas it has Alzheimers ... in which case ... for their own good .. we should have them euthenized....

The lorakeets are cute cute cute but noisy noisy noisy. Typical mindless females ... on and on about nothing important ....


Funny thing is ... they all seem to just sing every day and let each other be .... All of this ... is just my conjecture of what is going on ... doesn't phase the birds one bit. At no point do they stop being .. birds ... what a concept.

Drama Dolls!!!

Today as I walked around SL I came across a stand that said: "Got drama, need a break? Touch for info." So I did …

BWAHHHHHAHAHAHAHA … this is what it said:

"Welcome to Drama Dolls!

Please note that all of our dolls are multi-lingual and will operate in English, German, Spanish, Japanese, French, Portugese, Italian, Russian and Norwegian.

Did somebody cheat on you? Were you insulted or offended by another SL resident?

Did you experience DRAMA?

It happens unfortunately.

Well Drama Dolls is here to help you get a bit of what you deserve in return - at the very least you are owed an apology!

Pick a Drama Doll that you can use to represent the individual who did you wrong. There are different price ranges, levels of detail, number of animations, types of dolls - something for everybody.

We have macho types, the girl next door, elves, vampires and more! We even have Fuginistas - you know .... those people who like to make fun of you on their blogs because they don't like your skin/shape/clothes. :)

We have the Doll you need to get closure move past this traumatic experience!

Take your Doll home - you will find detailed instructions and 4 copies of the Doll in your inventory. 3 of those Dolls are fully scripted and will give you the acknowledgement and apology you so richly deserve. Once the Doll has apologized it will disappear - quite dramatically! :)

The 4th Doll is not scripted but you can keep it as a reminder of your apology.

Now take a look upstairs! Do you know somebody who needs a hug?

If you are looking for positive Drama (because it does exist) we have DollCozies. You can purchase a Doll, name it and give it a message you'd like to pass to your friend/lover/partner/spouse. Your Doll will give them a Hug and your message.

Some DollCozies have flowers in their hands. Your folder will come with a pot of matching flowers you can also give your recipient.

Please enjoy your visit to Drama Dolls! Check back often for our new additions. :)

Cheers, Honour McMillan"

Ok so I had to TP to the store after blabbing to like all 2 of my bestest friends ….

Well technically 1.5 because the better half of one of them was missing ….. yes and I do like her best … it is a Canadian thing .. hehehe.



They had Content Theives, Nekos, Goreans, Elves, Drama Queens and Kings ….they even had the Homosexual Theatre Monarchs ….. and um …. Bloggers … but I am sure that is just an oversight …we are already always apologizing for something. AND you can get a wooden doll or the more precious porcelain doll … come on people this is just too cool. Ok after we finished peeing our pants and reading all the labels available we got down to some serious business. That's when I noticed that one of the dolls looked remarkably like my .5 friend Winter Jefferson or the "albino vampire" as he is affectionately referred to on better bathroom walls everywhere … Now come on … how many albino vampires are there??



He showed up in a loin cloth and elfy ears hoping we wouldn't see the resemblance but come on there was no mistaking it ….



Well Honour confirmed that he was indeed the model … and she joined us at the store as we insisted Winter purchase the doll and make it apologize to him ... for being him …. What follows is the very dramatic and gut wrenching actual log of Winter working through the trauma of being him …. grab a hanky ... you will need it ...

[21:49] Bliss Windlow: does he cry .... I really want to see him cry
[21:50] Winter Jefferson: all right, lesseeeee
[21:50] Drama Dolls HUD: Have fun with your doll!
[21:50] Winter Jefferson: oh lord
[21:51] Honour McMillan: give him the name of somebody you want to yell at - publicly at least
[21:51] Honour McMillan: and I wouldn't stand too close in flamable clothes
[21:51] Winter Jefferson: Hmmm... I'm pretty mad at myself, would that work?
[21:51] Honour McMillan: sure
[21:51] Winter Jefferson sidles away
[21:51] Drama Dolls HUD: Please enter the name of the doll in chat
[21:51] Winter Jefferson: MiniWinter
[21:52] MiniWinter: Hello, what's on your mind?
[21:52] Bliss Windlow: dying
[21:52] Winter Jefferson: YOU SUUCCKKKKK.. and not just in the vampire way. I HAIT YOUUUU
[21:52] MiniWinter: says What?
[21:52] Winter Jefferson: You waste all my money on clothes
[21:52] MiniWinter: asks Me?
[21:52] Winter Jefferson: YES YOU
[21:52] MiniWinter: says I'm shocked!
[21:52] Winter Jefferson: and... and... you are too damn sexy!
[21:52] MiniWinter: says No!
[21:52] Winter Jefferson: YES
[21:52] MiniWinter: hopes that you're talking to somebody else!
[21:53] Winter Jefferson: You've made my second life a living hell - and pissed me off in the first one too!!!
[21:53] MiniWinter: hates this!
[21:53] Winter Jefferson: holy shit Honour, this IS cathartic!!!
[21:53] MiniWinter: cries You must be mistaken!
[21:53] Honour McMillan: wait til you get your apology
[21:54] Winter Jefferson: And you... you pusillaminous pustulant pile of pig poop....
[21:54] MiniWinter: says What?
[21:54] Winter Jefferson whispers a few more things in its ear that he hates and doesnt want anyone to know
[21:54] MiniWinter: asks Me?
[21:54] Winter Jefferson: and.. you are too good a lover, the girls wont lave me alone!
[21:54] MiniWinter: says I'm shocked!
[21:54] Winter Jefferson: right... apology time
[21:54] MiniWinter: says No!
[21:54] Winter Jefferson: YES
[21:54] MiniWinter: hopes that you're talking to somebody else!
[21:55] MiniWinter: I am a moron!
[21:55] MiniWinter: Blood is like alcohol - I was drunk with power!
[21:55] MiniWinter: I deserve to suffer for causing you pain!
[21:55] Winter Jefferson: Okay... backfiring just alittle ... :D
[21:55] MiniWinter: Thank you for giving me the chance to apologize!
[21:55] MiniWinter: I don't deserve anybody as wonderful as you!
[21:55] MiniWinter: hates this!
[21:55] MiniWinter: I never meant to hurt you .... I was just thinking about me!
[21:55] MiniWinter: I'm ashamed of my behaviour. I realize now that being inconsiderate is a stupid way to behave.
[21:55] MiniWinter: The blood went to my head and I went temporarily insane!
[21:55] Winter Jefferson: Wait...
[21:55] MiniWinter: I admit I forgot that you are a real person with real feelings!
[21:55] MiniWinter: cries You must be mistaken!
[21:55] Winter Jefferson: but I think you are wonderful
[21:55] MiniWinter: I would make it all better if I could!
[21:56] Winter Jefferson: ..dont leave me...
[21:56] MiniWinter: I am a failure as a vampire!
[21:56] MiniWinter: says What?
[21:56] MiniWinter: I'm begging for your forgiveness!
[21:56] Winter Jefferson: AHHHHHHHHH
[21:56] Winter Jefferson drops to his knees and howls - NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[21:57] Winter Jefferson tries to stamp out poor little Miniwinter
[21:58] Winter Jefferson: I'm so conflicted
[21:58] Bliss Windlow: gee he must be a porcelain one not burning very fast
[21:58] Honour McMillan: he did wave goodbye
[21:58] Winter Jefferson: do they practice suttee in SL?
[21:58] Bliss Windlow: and there he is ... gone ...
[21:58] Honour McMillan: lol
[21:58] Winter Jefferson bows his head
[21:59] Honour McMillan: the kajira immolates herself in boiling lava :)
[21:59] Bliss Windlow: does the river dance
[21:59] Winter Jefferson: That was both infinately horrifying, and f***ing cool
[21:59] Honour McMillan: but do you feel better?
[21:59] Bliss Windlow: reverently
[21:59] Honour McMillan: lol
[21:59] Winter Jefferson: I'm sure anyone watching it did :D
[21:59] Bliss Windlow: I was moved .. I fell out of my chair
[22:00] Honour McMillan: lol
[22:00] Winter Jefferson: That was awesome, Honour. what a great idea



So… the bottom line … you have to get there and get your doll NOW …. No need to waste time with real people waiting for them to grow up and apologize .. improvize. The ending is really quite dramatic and I understand different dolls "end" in different ways ...

Drama Dolls

Fashions In The Field - an attempted explanation ...

Getting out the crayolas for the non- Australians. Tongue out the side of mouth. Ok .. Drawing a big oval …. this is a race track ….these are horses running. This is the beer and chamaigne stand. This is where everyone bets….

Yes Mary? Those flying saucer looking things with flowers, feathers, and birds? Those are the women all dressed up in cocktail, evening and garden gowns, hats, and outrageously high heels - the "fashion" part of the story." The field? Um … look ….this is the dirt flying all around …

Ok so here in Australia you go to the races. It is a big social event. Horses Shmorses … this has nothing to do with the horses .. . this is all about the women. They could be racing aardvarks … who cares ….

Everyone drinks. But the women sip (or guzzle) champaigne. Everyone eats and drinks and every once in awhile they open the gates and a bunch of horses run past you creating a lot of dust that coats your teeth and bare heaving bosoms hanging out of your tightly cinched taffeta. At that point you look up from your glass, stand up, hoist the dress up to semi cover one nipple and teeter over to the fence where you look, sip, say something witty like "come on number 3, blue dingaboorie" and then hold your hat as they race by, then swear, then rip up your piece of paper, sip sip sip, and teeter back to your seat.

At some point in the days festivities (yes this is an all dayer and nighter folks… at some point the horses stop running, but by then everyone is so drunk no-one notices...they have the call for "fashions on the field" and all the women stand up, hoist, and teeter over to the cattle yards .. oops I mean show stand. One by one they come up on stage, making sure to give the judge a good perve of cleavage, ass or both … whatever they are showcasing that day. They smile and pose and turn while some old greasy looking man drools all over his clipboard as he waves his board to draw the crowds attention to her "assets." All the while they talk about what she is wearing … pffft … as if that is any consideration in any of this.

The older women all cluck at the nerve of some of the younger women .. they shouldn't be wearing such short skirts and the younger women talk about "mutton dressed up to look like lamb." (don't ask .. all life here somehow correlates back to sheep ….) The men say some of the younger girls should be wearing shorter skirts and lower tops (ha technically that would make it a "belt")and the older women should be … getting them another beer. Once the winner is announced (usually winning ,..you guessed it … a meat tray … maybe lamb AND mutton ….) there is more clucking and talking about how your dress was much more expensive and that hat "she" was wearing did not match her shoes and broke 5 of the hat wearing rules evidently outlined in some handbook on wearing hats to the races in a small town where no-one cares anyway ….

BUT here is the biggy just think if we could incorporate this into Canada … Fashions IN the Field. The women could go out all decked up at combining time … heels, low cut mini dresses, biggg hats … and serve lunch to the men. They could sip champaigne while they wait on portable camping chairs and every time the combine comes around … up and walk over, get all that dirt and grit in your teeth and hair, little bits of straw stuck to your lipstick and then back to the champaigne. Then Joe the Chicken Boss comes over from the Hutterite Colony with a clipboard, snaps his suspenders and lines 'em all up, checks them out and picks a winner … we can even make up a meat tray WITH a bottle of ketchup of course …. Just think we could start a real Canadian Prairie Man's magazine … "Combine Girls … women of the field ….." with centrefolds ….

Writing Stephen now …. he loves my letters ...

Rules of thumb (as in thumb in bum, mind in neutral) for Photo Contests!

Some of my recent posts have generated quite the conversations regarding contests again - particularly photo contests. Most heard are:

The suck.
They are fixed from the beginning.
I no longer enter any of them.
It is a scam.
They just want you to buy their clothes.

(And that was just me .... )

You can overlook any of those with a sour grapes defence …. But again, taking away the subjective nature of choosing a favourite photo, there is certainly some validity in the collective experiences of several people who I genuinely believe to be decent good people who are disillusioned with SL photo contests and ....very very bitter..... and some of them .... drunk ...

So I have gathered the many "sharings" into a handy dandy list for you to print off and carry with you in your bra ... (or that of your nearest and dearest bra wearer ...)

TIPS:

Put a little sticker on your computer that says … "I take pics cause I like to …. I enter contests as a way of stretching my talents …. I will not be a weenie and cry when I lose … again …."

Do not tell your friends about the contest because those cows will enter and they might win and then you would have to delete them from your friends list and that would take your friends list down to just your alt and your mom ….

Flood the blogging lanes with blogs to make the contest announcement disappear so no-one sees it. If anyone asks, tell them the prizes suck …. point them towards Amway, or the lotto,or email letters from Kings in Africa who need help with their banking….

Ignore all the rules that are sent out and do what you want. There is another set of rules that the winner is given. In fact, write to the organizers and ASK if you can have a copy of the other set of rules. This might also be a good time to ask what else they would like you to do in order to win.

Never believe them when they say "No photoshop - this is not a photo-editing contest." It is always a photo-editing contest.

Never believe them when they say they are looking for a fresh avi … get an old avi, make sure you look like every other model and wear sunglasses and a big brimmed hat … you are sure to win. Come-on people what we look like is one of the easiest things to change .. this is just another line telling you … "we are having a contest, we will make tons of money from you all buying our outfits and putting us in your picks and then when we announce the winner is my sister's friend, we will give her 1/10th of what we made … maybe .. No wait … 1/6th." (overhead you know).

Forget what the closing date is, that will be changed to accomodate their friends trip to Disneyland. (note who is gone to Disneyland ... write down the name ... find somewhere that takes bets and bet the whole wad on them winning ...)

Don't tell any of your sane, thinking friends, that you have entered another photo contest.

If you ignore the above, practice saying with a straight face that why yes ,you did buy the 8 outfits required, the 3 skins, 2 sets of eyes and you love them all … and yes they cost you $15,000L and yes the prize is $1,000L, an outfit, a skin and a set of eyes … what's their point?

When all else fails take pictures of gauzy fairies in flower fields.

Never underestimate the cute factor. Hold a cuddly lamb in the picture. Pet a bunny …

Have everyone you know visit your picture in flickr and comment on how beautiful it is .. Have them say things like … "I just wandered in …" "You don't know me but …" and "OMG you must be the most under appreciated photographic genius in SL…" Have them make up fake awards and post them all over your flickr page.

Find out if any of your friends know the designer/store etc …. Have them plead your case with complete tact and decorum .. If that fails .. Have them plead it with complete abandon and unashamed begging. After that fails, move to threats.

DO NOT rush out and buy a bunch of other clothes/skins/eyes/furniture from the store or blog endlessly about it in hopes of winning … you have simply made the store/designer more money so they can have another contest in which you will not win. AND they are laughing hysterically … at you … and using words like "pathetic."

Send your pic in on the last day …. That way they won't get used to seeing it or get bored with it and discount it in the judging.

Look at what everyone else has submitted and see which one has had the best responses and unashamedly copy it but make it "prettier."

Go on flickr to non SL sites and steal their ideas, submit them as your entry.

POST CONTEST TIPS:

Remember to delete that store from your picks the moment the winner is announced. Don't punch the keyboard … you may need it later to write nasty notes ….

Throw all their gosh ugly gear into the trash and empty that puppy.

Put on some "Slit your wrists" music and get your tears out of the way, concealer concealer concealer … and for heaven's sake DO NOT voice with anyone for a couple of days.

DON'T post your pics on FLICKR now under the caption "loser Pics" however appealing that might be to your deep need for sympathy at the moment.

Take a deep breath before going and looking at the winners … close the windows and doors … safely remove pets, small children, and large husbands out of harms way …. And click slowly ….

DO NOT write to the organizers and ask them "why?" … they can't answer that question … on the grounds it might incriminate them …

Do NOT take out the rules and re-read them .. You are not crazy … the winning pic did break every one of them ….you will only make it worse … like picking at a scab....

Don't ask what the pic has to do with the product … who can explain that scary place deep inside every one of us??

Suck it up and look for the next contest … you are sure to win that one ….